Ramblings of a MadWoman

Rampant Imagination

Vivid imagination
Is natural to us all
As serious, purposeful, intellectual adults
We tend to shut this side down
Unbeknown to us
Our imagination lives on
Often running rampant
But not in the form we expect
Visions, dreams, opportunities etc
But in the form of anxieties & fears
We think the worst
Worry ourselves silly
The virtual illusion
Grows & grows
If left unthwarted
It can take over our minds
Running us this way & that

Our imagination
Can also present its self
As idealisms, perfection & fantasy
Again we invest
Significant time & effort
So much so …
They become our reality
Our benchmark
So when we look at our lives
Our day to day
Doesn’t stack up
We fall short of our idealism
As we start to feel sad & blue
The gap widens
Spiralling us down
If left unquestioned
We become depressed
Longing for what is not!
Never was & never will be!
The time & effort
We have invested
In creating this form of reality
The time & effort
We have spent
Collecting evidence
So we can continue
To believe this reality
Works in favour of our egos
We refuse to believe there
Could be a straight forward solution
How would we feel about ourselves
If the truth be known
That our own misery
Was created by us
It takes a lot of guts
To see this
It takes a lot of nerve
To own this
It takes strength
To embrace this responsibility
Cause when we do
We are compelled
To move ourselves forward & thru
Yes … we must take responsibility
For that too
And yes … we do survive
Stronger than before
(Thanks ONJ)
We all have capability to do this
You just need to choose to
The rest will come

You don’t have to do it alone
It takes courage to move down this path
So you don’t have to be brave
And go solo
Find a wing man or woman
There are so many people
Who want to help
There are so many people
Who understand
You just need to want to help & understand you
Cause that is the starting point
All else will fall into place.
So go ahead
Ask for help today.

Swirling Emotions

It’s been a while
Since I’ve wandered this space
A gush of emotion
Welling up inside
Flooding my being

Swirling emotions
Cascading
Through me
Around me
They all
Surround me

I lose my bearings
Am I up?
Am I down?
I can’t really see
What’s all around me

Not sure
If I feel
Sad
Mad
Or bad

No matter
They are only temporary dwellings
A stop over
On my way through!

Lost Souls

Lost souls
Never found
Eternally searching
Taunted
Tortured
Their lives
They take
Wanting release
Seeking redemption
Never to be found
Outside of them

When will they see
Deep within thee
Lies the answer
The solution …
Their own beauty
Feeling cursed
They cannot see

Awake I say
You are blind no more
For within you
Lives a light so bright
More beautiful than the divine
Do not extinguish
In your haste
Instead
Seek the light of another
To help you shine
Alone
Or together
It does not matter
For love
Need not be seen
It needs …
Only to be felt!

Stepping Outside the Shadow

Sometimes we feel so alone with our struggles
Even though we are surrounded by people who dearly love us!
Lost souls within the crowd!
Disconnected from our own love
We are unable to experience true unconditional love
Barren, heartless, empty & numb
It’s a dark old place that we know all to well!

At times I don’t feel like it’s the real me
As though I am another being
Totally unaware of the power I have at my finger tips
Someone who persists in torturing themselves
Rather than simply flicking the switch & changing states!

Why do we continue to allow ourselves to suffer?
Why is this our preferred choice?
Do we know no better?
Or do we believe this is our lot in life?
One we cannot change!

Have we been completely brain washed by religious ideals?
No longer relevant to our modernized lives
Will we continue to perish in doom & gloom?
Branded as sinners
Living a life long term of penance!

How sad that mankind continues to live in darkness
Not wanting to step outside the shadow of the almighty being
And claim the power that is theirs alone to share!

A New Life Is Born

A barrage of thoughts
Bombards my brain
Peace & harmony
Erodes before my eyes
The niggling voice within
Raises its ugly head

Who are you to dream so big?
What makes you so special?
Why should I have luck?
Life wasn’t meant to be easy!

For many a week I have soldiered on
Struggling with a tirade of emotions & thoughts
Wondering why it has to be such a battle!
So much effort for so little return
Why do I make it so?

More ducking & diving as I search my soul
To understand my true life’s purpose
To focus the gifts I have
To realise the potential within

Like a caged animal
It paces
It’s restless
It’s relentless
It pounds the bounds of my heart

Free me please free me
Such urgency like never before
A sense of life or death
Be free … wild abandonment
As humanly possible
There is no tomorrow
If you continue as before!

The way is clear
You know what you must do
To break the bonds
That tie you down

A sense of longing & trepidation co-exits
Tightness & lightness
Knowing what’s ahead
Determination is what fuels me now
It gives me the courage
To breakthrough when its time

The rewards are boundless
Pure joy awaits me
Teasing me forward
Propelling me
To a place unknown

My baptism of fire
My phoenix rising
My crucible
It all awaits
And with it …
New life is born!

Gnarly & Narky

Not feeling very happy with myself today
Full of self hate & pity
The dark side wells deep within me
Wanting to spit fire and venom at anyone near me
Grievous bodily harm to anyone who even looks my way!
Attack … attack
Pick … pick … pick

Nasty ugly barbs bubble below the surface
Hidden behind a mild disdain for life in general
Not wanting to be helped
I sit stewing and simmering like a warm winter’s casserole

Yes … I too stick & burn
And sometimes it takes great effort
To clean the remnants
Hardened black ugly goo
That tends to resist the toughest of scourers
In fact …
That’s what I feel like
A scourer …
Rough and abrasive
And if you scrub too hard
You end up gnarly & out of shape
Caught up with ugly scraps
From the many feeding frenzies of the day!!

Empty Vessel

Unfeeling
Devoid of all emotion
Robotic in my action
Serious in my look
Striving
Driving
I’m living my life
Successfully
So I think!
I do the right things
I have all the symbols of success
Yet I am an empty vessel
Devoid of feeling
Disconnected
I act in spite of my emotions
Poker faced
No one knows what’s bubbling beneath the surface
A cauldron of discontent!

Battle Weary

Silent aggression invades me
Poisoning my head
Torturing my emotions
My body bears the signs of battle …
… hardened mouth
… blaring eyes
… snarling lips
… nostrils flaring
… shoulders up around my ears
Every part of me tight & weary
Eyes cast down
Hiding the turmoil within
Too ugly for the eyes of loved ones
I become reclusive or
Put on a brave face
I plod thru the day
Hoping … willing … wanting
Tomorrow to be different
But will it?
Only I hold the key to freedom!
Will I choose to stay a victim of my own misery?
Yes … I know better
But instead I choose the road of self torture!
Why?
I have no idea!
But I know inside I do
I am kidding myself!
So what stops me from admitting or acknowledging?
Why do I choose to make it more difficult for myself?
As though I am trying to create my own failures
So I can rise successfully from the battle?
My achievement all that greater
Or perhaps I am addicted to drama
Or do I just want to create a story for myself!!!
One of toil, pain & gain
Or perhaps I am just programmed for pain!!!
Either way … I do it well
The self torture … that is
I feel like I have done a masters degree
Graduated with honors
A skill for life
God no!!!!!
If only I put the same amount of energy & effort
Into moving forward as I did with staying stuck!!!
I’d be light years ahead!!!
Instead I am like a cauldron of oil
Smoldering & smoking
Waiting for the slightest opportunity
Where I can boil to a crisp
Rendering myself tainted & unusable
It’s as though I want to spoil my own goods
Thwarting all opportunities!
And you know what?
I cannot help myself
I stew & simmer automatically
As though I am pre programmed
Perhaps I am!!!
Why do I hold myself back?
Resisting the success I deserve?
Why do I diminish my own self worth?
I am worthy & deserving
Regardless of what any priest says!!!
“Lord I am not worthy & deserving …
But only say the words & I shall be healed”
I feel cursed!
Who has the right
Divine or mortal
To determine my worthiness
Or what I deserve
That power comes from within
No wonder millions walk this earth believing they are victims
They believe the power is outside of them!!
If only they knew!!!

Flirting With Danger

We berate ourselves
Giving ourselves a hard time
Mustn’t forget the mistakes we have made
All the stupid things we have said & done!
Constant inner chatter
Looping our minds into never ending questioning
We are our own worst enemy!

Self talk erodes any remaining confidence
It fuels our growing self doubt!
Clarity of purpose thwarted
Activity slows
Ultimately grinding to a halt
That inner sense of knowing … lost
Momentarily at first
Then for prolonged periods

Futility sets in
Deepened by the knowledge of how high we can achieve
Spiraling downwards
We crash & burn
Frustrated from the apathy
Perplexed we watch the deepest desire 
To bring about our darkest fate!

Why do we dance this seductive dance?
Wooing failure
Flirting with danger
Taunting the unacceptable
Like a long lost lover
The embrace is almost impossible to break
Sacrificing all that we have
All inroads we have made
All achievements to date

For what?
We know not!
We just feel compelled to act this way
As though it comes from deep within
We know not the rhyme or reason
It makes no sense
We have so much going for us
But deep inside the discontent grows

We feel contempt
Devoid of all love …
For self …
For others …
True disdain
We have no tolerance
Why this deep disturbance?
Perhaps we aren’t good enough
Always raising the bar
When is enough enough?

We continue thru the day
Making things a thousand times worse
Who needs enemies when we have ourselves
Help … I’m sleeping with the enemy!
No one can hurt me as much as me
I keep punishing me
For what …
There’s always something I’ve done wrong!

We are the toughest on ourselves
Why can’t we choose the easy route!
It’s there for the taking
Part of you wants to
Part of you feels it’s a cop out
No pain … no gain
And we want lots of gain
So hence we must endure the pain!

Pain which we inflict upon ourselves
Surely life was meant to be easy!
But for some stupid reason we do not allow this!!
We make everything complicated
Making it a chore or a drama!

Why do we struggle so?
Is it part of our growth & transformation?
Like the caterpillar to the butterfly
It uses every last bit of energy
All effort to rip away the stifling cocoon
It sheds its ugly skin
It starts a new stage of life
Perhaps it is with us

Each struggle represents another step
And as we wrestle with our circumstances
We shed old beliefs & perceptions
No longer serving our new form
And as we stop to catch our breath
Our new purpose unveils

A new chapter begins
We are armed with greater knowledge & know how
For the next leg of the journey
Discoveries to be made
Challenges to be conquered
Joyful times to be shared

In our new form …
With open hearts & minds
We start to hear the whispers of our soul
Urging us on
Giving us a sense of direction
Lighting Our Way!