Battle Weary
Silent aggression invades me
Poisoning my head
Torturing my emotions
My body bears the signs of battle …
… hardened mouth
… blaring eyes
… snarling lips
… nostrils flaring
… shoulders up around my ears
Every part of me tight & weary
Eyes cast down
Hiding the turmoil within
Too ugly for the eyes of loved ones
I become reclusive or
Put on a brave face
I plod thru the day
Hoping … willing … wanting
Tomorrow to be different
But will it?
Only I hold the key to freedom!
Will I choose to stay a victim of my own misery?
Yes … I know better
But instead I choose the road of self torture!
Why?
I have no idea!
But I know inside I do
I am kidding myself!
So what stops me from admitting or acknowledging?
Why do I choose to make it more difficult for myself?
As though I am trying to create my own failures
So I can rise successfully from the battle?
My achievement all that greater
Or perhaps I am addicted to drama
Or do I just want to create a story for myself!!!
One of toil, pain & gain
Or perhaps I am just programmed for pain!!!
Either way … I do it well
The self torture … that is
I feel like I have done a masters degree
Graduated with honors
A skill for life
God no!!!!!
If only I put the same amount of energy & effort
Into moving forward as I did with staying stuck!!!
I’d be light years ahead!!!
Instead I am like a cauldron of oil
Smoldering & smoking
Waiting for the slightest opportunity
Where I can boil to a crisp
Rendering myself tainted & unusable
It’s as though I want to spoil my own goods
Thwarting all opportunities!
And you know what?
I cannot help myself
I stew & simmer automatically
As though I am pre programmed
Perhaps I am!!!
Why do I hold myself back?
Resisting the success I deserve?
Why do I diminish my own self worth?
I am worthy & deserving
Regardless of what any priest says!!!
“Lord I am not worthy & deserving …
But only say the words & I shall be healed”
I feel cursed!
Who has the right
Divine or mortal
To determine my worthiness
Or what I deserve
That power comes from within
No wonder millions walk this earth believing they are victims
They believe the power is outside of them!!
If only they knew!!!